I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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