i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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