your room smells of hookers.
And success
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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