Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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