That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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