at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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