4 words: hood of his car
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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