I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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