she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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