hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's shark week go big or go home
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
