I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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