its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
