perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
