he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
