i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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