Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
