Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
