Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
