atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
