did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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