We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
