the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
