forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
