If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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