fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
