he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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