Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
