So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
