I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
COCAINE IS GR8
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
