I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
