my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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