She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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