my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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