Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
