And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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