I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
