So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
