it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
