Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pants are for mortals
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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