one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
