you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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