the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
