Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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