No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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