Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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