Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
