My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
