I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I can text with my tongue
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
