guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
third nipple confirmed
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
