there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
