the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
