I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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