can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
