the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
