I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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