You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
