Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
