i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
