you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
