Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How naked do you want me to be?
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