There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
