Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize